Dad's Laughter Vitamins

"Humanity has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century, but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand. — Mark Twain

Dads have long known the powerful health benefits of laughter.  For as long as time remembers fathers have passed down their humor in patrilineal fashion first by word of mouth then by Instagram (@Dadsaysjokes). Any father worth his salt can dispatch a Dad Joke at the drop of a hat. These Dad Jokes are little laughter vitamins. At the end of the day under their rough and tumble exterior Dad's want to see their family crack a smile and share a laugh.


What follows is a collection quality Dad Jokes for any occasion.

1) Spelling

I hate spelling errors.  You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

2) Disk Eyes

A armed man robs a bank with two CDs glued to his glasses.  The cashier hands the man all cash from the drawer then says, 'got to ask, what's with the CDs?He replies, 'What? You mean my disk-eyes.'

Me: "I'm sorry boss.  I can't come in.  I've got a wee cough.
Boss: "You have a wee cough?"
Me: "Really?  Thanks, see you next week!"

3) DNA

Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.

Me: And?

4) Mums

What do you call a small mother?

A minimum.

5) Gym

Went to the gym & there's a new machine.

I used it for an hour & felt sick.

Its good though, it does everything.

KitKats, Reeses, Snickers.

6) Physics

Jr.'s physics teacher told him he had a lot of potential then pushed him out the window.

7) Coca-Cola

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...
It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

7) Magic Tractor

I saw a magic tractor the other day.
I turned into a field.
8) Stoners & Prime Numbers
Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.
The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.
9) Math PSA
Math can lead to lifelong addition.
10) Birthing
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
11) Winter Hive
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?

Bonus! Quantum Physics Dad Joke

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

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